Although one can scarcely believe how the years have flown, it is indeed time for another general election in your founding nation. The last four years have raced by in a flurry of social media faux pas and Boris-baiting, and we once again settle in comfortably to watch the poshest toffs of Britain battle it out for a rather underwhelming island in the North Sea.
Our contenders this year are unsurprisingly the same poor old buggers from the last bout. In the blue corner, dressed head to toe in the tears of unwed mothers is the current big dog, David Cameron. Not content with a mere four years as the overlord of British politics, he’s back for another stab at the top job. This time though, I imagine he’ll attempt to shake off that ineffectual Clegg (who?) and run the gig solo. He’s taken a hell of a bashing in his first term but has impressed with his rubber-like facade and determination to convince us ‘we’re all in this together’. A man so convinced by his ability to connect with the working class, he was even seen wearing jeans in late 2013. His right hand man, George Osbourne, was given a smart phone in 2011 which immediately turned him into the next Cara Delvigne in terms of posting crap pictures no one gives a shit about. His attempts at being ‘down with the kids meets working dad’ saw him post a pic of his working-lunch burger; although at over 15 bucks for the bap (roll in English speak), was met with more snarky remarks than Joe Hockey’s ‘the poor don’t drive’ blasphemy.
In the red corner, weighing in with no discernible opinion whatsoever is our second-favourite Miliband. This will be the first general campaign with hip and groovy ‘Ed’ at the helm of the Labour party and there’s no denying he faces an uphill struggle. He just ‘aint liked. He has reasonably endured walking in the shadow of big brother Dave, but has yet to win the hearts of the nation. Backtracking on big promises made too early and delivering the most lacklustre ‘pivotal’ speech since Kanye’s declaration of love to Kim, this wide-eyed wonder boy has dashed the foothold Labour could have had over the last few years. Taking the reins from the perpetually dour Gordon Brown wasn’t an easy task for any chipper chap to take on, but Labour pushed forward what looked like a Microsoft clip-art figure to take the brunt of the turn to Tories.
Back to the Cleggster (who, lets remember, was killed in the first week of the coalition but still looks very life-like when he is puppeted about at old Etonian parties) who is still hanging on to the title of the leader of the Liberal Democrats. Whilst The Daily Mail claims he has a hold of the ‘pink vote’ (a rather nifty coinage by the factually-correct-and-shrewd Murdoch Mill as a term for gay-friendly) he is loping behind the two front runners by a considerable distance. Nick has wrangled himself now into a corner where he must distance himself from the Conservative party in order to maintain whatever sliver of votes he can hang on to – but at the same time can’t bag out the current coalition he is in. Right now he’s probably trolling Nigel Farage on twitter in an attempt to glean back some free radicals in his favour.
Nigel Farage is the punchable face of UKIP in the race to be Obamas’ booty call – he’s gained a scary popularity in the last few years but even a few well placed digs at Miliband can’t erase the outrageous statements that have emerged from his brethren in this last cycle – an everlasting favourite of mine is when member David Silvester blamed the terrible winter weather of 2013/14 on Cameron legalising gay marriage. UKIP must never ever win any election ever – the ‘nationalist’ party of the UK have some terrible plans for immigrants and want to commit economic suicide by pulling out of the EU. However, he is still head and shoulders above the Lib Dems who have been branded as the ‘least trustworthy’ party, and won even more favour in the EU debate.
Ever present and ever bringing up the rear are the Greens, led by Natalie Bennett (fun fact: she’s a born and raised Aussie sheila!). This leading lady has headed the team since 2012 and after winning the inaugural seat in parliament in 2010 the Greens are showing steady gains in votes as time progresses. Fair fishing rights and fewer plastic bags – if they had the clout they would definitely win my vote. Unfortunately they lack the brute force of the top three, but the tides are turning slowly and people will start to realise this is a party they can genuinely get behind. I have big hopes for the Greens but feel they need an overhaul and a jolly good PR job before they can contest Whitehall.
Lastly, a nod to the Monster Raving Loony Party, a collective that despite its call for socks to be sold in threes (in case you lose one) and its chief marshall turning up to debates dressed as a cowboy, still outclasses Clive Palmer in strong economical thought.
Who will win this years bout? I am keen to see the results of this one, however sad I am that it’s a real ball-ache to vote when you’re abroad. Personally, I have never favoured the Tories, but a change after only 4 years of hard cuts and shake ups will do little to shore up the recovery of Britain. They have done well at making significant yet unpopular choices, and I feel we shouldn’t rock the boat at this fragile economic time and stay the course; however unrepresentative and elitist it may be. I also feel that the Labour party lacks what it used to have – a strong leader and strong cabinet. I see that party decsending into squabble after a few short months at the top. What we don’t need is another leadership coup in Labour that would further undermine the grandstand changes they will make in an attempt to distance themselves from the tories. The Liberal Democrats wont win; but UKIP will get a few in the door which will create a channel for true debate in the House of Commons- but sadly they will be pushing all the wrong policies.
Its almost certain to be a coalition again; and this time each side are frantically trying to cut a deal with the minors before the polls open. My prediction is a conservative coalition with either SNP (Scottish National Party) or UKIP – coining the fresh term ‘BlueKip’ – which will result in a four year punishment for the British Isles and a dodgy referendum on our association with Europe. The best we may be able to muster is another coalition between the Tories and Lib Dems; a preferable drudge over the alternative in my opinion.
EDITORS NOTE: This is the work of a guest ghost writer – their identity cannot be revealed due to the fact they may or may not work for MI5 part time on the weekends. The author is a British expatriate living in Australia and therefore an expert on all things encapsulating Britishness. The author likes PG Tips (tea), royal babies and saying ridiculous things like ”Allo, ‘Allo, ‘Allo!’ at random hours of the day to complete strangers.