So I know my blog posts have predominantly been about politics and economics, but sometimes, just sometimes I go a little crazy and write about something like beer or Taylor Swift… I’m that unpredictable! Anywho, my last few posts have been pretty deep and arguably a little wordy. So I thought I’d ruffle through some of my old stuff and give you something a little more upbeat. Below represents a chapter in my life when I used to live in a share-house in a bohemian and hectic part of this wonderful city called Sydney. At any one stage I lived with about 8 other people, and our landlord owned another Federation-era carbon copy of our building right next door at #125 – with another 8-9 people residing there. So 16-18 transient people from all over the world, all roughly the same age, with all our mates coming and going – living together. To say it was a lawless mad-house is an understatement. Days were crazy and nights were crazier. So crazy in fact, this OCD-riddled control freak had to write up some house-rules for the dwelling – 123 Bedford St. I’ve posted them below – word for word. These rules were printed out and put around the house for all to see. They’re tongue-in-cheek (most of them) so I hope you’ll find them humorous, and if you’ve ever lived in a share-house I’m sure you can relate. Enjoy!
13 LUCKY HOUSE RULES FOR BEDFORD 123
- WWJD (WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?) – Well, probably not live in a share house for a start. But if he did, he probably wouldn’t take other people’s stuff without their permission. Don’t believe me? It’s in a little something called The 10 Commandments’ (it was referring to livestock mostly, but can be applied to things like foodstuffs, drinks, laundry detergent and lighters for arguments sake).
- TOILET PAPER AND PAPER TOWEL DON’T GROW ON TREES – Actually, they kinda do – but that’s not the point. Both are vital items that everybody uses on a daily basis in the communal and bathroom areas. If supplies are running low please buy more, if you bought the last batch please ask another housemate in a polite fashion to add it to their shopping list.
- 125 ARE BORING FUCKS – We know how to party harder, better and louder than they do – everyday of the goddamn week! It’s our greatest trait, but keep in mind on a weekday to keep the noise to a minimum after 10:00 out of respect of your fellow housemates and neighbours.
- NEWSFLASH! THE GROCERY FAIRY DOES NOT EXIST – Despite what your idiotic mother told you, standard household items do not magically appear – yeah, someone actually has to buy them! Items like scourers, sponges, cling wrap, aluminium foil, hand-wash, dishwashing liquid and bin liners are all necessities. Please keep an eye on stocks and if low (or out) please purchase.
- LINT KILLS – I’m not sure if this statement is exactly true, but I’m pretty sure the build-up of lint in the dryer is a fire hazard. Super easy to clean out and dispose of, and ensure your clothes actually dry properly if it’s been emptied! That’s right ladies and gentlemen, a chore that directly benefits you – that’s a chore worth doing!! Also, if you put on a load of washing, remember to take it out ASAP as to avoid holding up the machines for others. The repercussion is your underwear scattered throughout the house.
- DON’T DO DRUGS – Kidding, drugs are welcome in the house – in fact, we encourage their use. Have fun tiger!
- NEGLECT MAKES BABY DISHES CRY – Dishrack full? Empty it. A few dishes need washing? Wash them. Some dishes wet? Dry them. If you live by the motto ‘You scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’, the dishes will always be done, so everybody can use them. If dirty, stinking apes can live by this motto in ease, so can you.
- CLEANERS COME ONCE A WEEK… SUPPOSEDLY – They’re a bit like a Yeti – possibly exist, but you’ll never actually discover any hard evidence that they’ve been around. That means we, as a collective, have to fill the gaps – sweep, mop, tidy – so on the off-chance they do turn up they can actually do their job!
- COMMUNAL AREAS MEAN ‘COMMUNAL’ – I’m no Communist (lol jks – I am) but the kitchen, bathrooms, dining and living rooms are for everyone. Please keep them tidy and clutter free for your fellow housemates as best you can.
- SMOKING KILLS… MARINE ANIMALS – Don’t leave your roaches or cigarette butts lying around or discarded on the ground. There are approximately 120+ ashtrays at this residency – find one. If they are full, empty them.
- EMPTYING THE BINS ARE FUN! – This is a big, dirty fucking lie. Everybody hates taking out the trash… but it must be done. Be a good fellow (or sacrificial lamb, depending on how bad the stench is) and empty the bins once they are full. One bin is for standard trash, the other for recycling. Don’t know how to recycle? Ummm – are you retarded? Please refer to the ‘How To’ booklet on the fridge if you are.
- STRAYA IS SPELT BBQ – Keep it clean if you use it, refrain from leaving your burnt offerings to your lord under the hood – we all have different gods’, this could get awkward.
- LUCKY #13 OR … #2 (AS IN A POOP) – Missed the bowl? Left a skid mark that a rally car driver would be proud of? Dropped the ‘shit of the week’ and accidently fumigated the bathroom? Finished the last of the toilet roll leaving you grasping a cardboard shell of its’ former fluffy self? Do something about it… ya know what to do peepz!
If you have any further questions about this please refer them to that crazy bitch that yells at us from house #127. She probably won’t be able to help you, but it will be pretty entertaining either way.
Yahweh & co . XOXOXO