So that conservative morals campaigner that we love to hate, Fred Nile, was on a special edition of Q&A last night talking about the changing Australian attitudes towards sexuality and gender. As this old, senile, uptight man in his 80’s further railed against the so-called negative effects of ‘promoting’ homosexuality in schools, I honestly thought to myself… could this man be gay? Yeah, yeah… he totally could be!
In other words, instead of sitting on a panel show on live TV being grilled by gays, would he rather just give up the charade and pash the bloke next to him? Would he like to one day ditch politics (to be honest he’s running out of time to do this) and settle down with a burly man named Bruce in Newtown? Possibly get a pug dog, open up a hairdressers on Enmore Rd and rave in any of the gay haunts in the Inner West high on poppers, heady with love and covered in glitter?
I know what you’re thinking. How could someone who’s so opposed to homosexuality possibly have even slight homosexual tendencies? The simple fact of the matter is though, it’s not without precedent. There are so, so many politicians and anti-gay crusaders who seem to fret a little too much over what a couple of blokes or sheilas are getting up to in the privacy of their own bedrooms whilst craving a carbon-copy of their genitalia on someone of the same sex. Think about it, if you’re a politician or a prominent public figure – an elected representative of the people – and there are so many serious issues to contend with (unemployment, environmental issues, crime, infrastructure, education, health) why get caught up so much on gays?… unless you’re actually gay.
Freud was a bit of an oddball who accused me of wanting a relationship with my mother (totz not true), but on a couple of points he was pretty damn right. He reasoned that people often have the most hateful and negative attitudes towards things they secretly crave, but feel they shouldn’t have. For example, I yell at my chicken nuggets before practically inhaling them. This rule also seems to be true in regards to homosexuality, and lo-and-behold there’s studies to back it up!
One particular study asked straight men how anxious they felt around gay men, ranging from ‘I wanna bash the poofta out of him’ to ‘I’d probably ask if he could give me some tips on interior decorating as I’m currently renovating the kitchen’. Based on this they divided the men into two separate groups – homophobic jerks and chill bro’s.
This is where it gets interesting – they then showed these men three, four-minute videos. One video was plain vanilla straight sex, one depicted lesbian sex and another depicted gay male sex. While this was all occurring, a device was attach to each participant’s Johnson.
The device only reads sexual arousal (so not other types of arousal, such as nerves, fear etc).
What the study found was this – the chill bro’s and the homophobic jerks both responded to the lesbian sex and straight sex with increased penis circumference. When the gay sex was shown though, ONLY the homophobic jerks showed heightened penis arousal. For real world examples of this, you need look no further than conservative politics in that God Blessed turf of the earth – ‘Murica. Here’s a couple of fun case studies to start the ball rolling:
1. In the very same month North Dakota legislator Randy Boehning (pronounced ‘boning’… LOL) was opposing an anti-discrimination bill in the house he was sending dirty dick-pics on Grindr, a gay dating hook-up app. He later said it was a brain-snap (we’ve all been there, however it doesn’t usually end in us downloading Grindr to send cock shots). His defence was as such:
That’s what gay guys do on gay sites, don’t they? That’s how things happen on Grindr. It’s a gay chat site. It’s not the first thing you do on that site. That’s what we do, exchange pics on the site.
Nothing to see here folks, move on…
2. George Rekers is another good one. He helped set up the most powerful anti-gay lobbying group in the U.S during the crazy 80’s and even published a paper titled ‘Growing Up Straight: What Families Should Know About Homosexuality’, unbeknownst to anyone else he was writing from personal experience. Turns out he had an account on rentboy.com where he found a bloke whose profile bragged about his “smooth, sweet, tight ass” and “perfectly built 8 inch cock (uncut.)” This young man’s profile also said that he’d be “up for anything” as long as the person paid… with Rekers happy to oblige. So whilst Rekers was touring the country preaching anti-gay hate he was paying this dude off for hummers in the hotel. Sneaky, sneaky!
3. My personal favourite is Pastor Ted, the man they said had a direct line to G.W.Bush (phone-sex with an idiot, anyone?). I remember first seeing this guy on Richard Dawkins documentary The Root of All Evil? and honestly thinking, ‘surely this guy is in the closet’ as he railed against sinful behaviour. He had a massive congregation at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, before being outed by his professional masseur (and prostitute) for failing to pay the bill. They had been having sex on and off for three years, whilst also getting high on poppers and crystal meth in a local motel. What a fucking party boy! He had supported the Colorado Amendment 43, which banned same-sex marriage in the state. However, according to him he’s not gay, he’s just a ‘heterosexual with issues’. Yep, just as I’m a vegan with chicken nugget issues.
4. But it doesn’t just apply to the U.S (a further detailed list of famous fuckwits in denial is here), what about right here in Australia? Take Alan Jones, the bum-buddy of our Captain of Team Australia, Tony Abbott. This conservative shock-jock who seems to love railing against anything remotely progressive was caught by the cops doing indecent things with blokes in public toilets in the 1980’s. Now don’t get me wrong, you can be a conservative and still be gay, but a bit of consistency would be nice Alan. Some might argue that his inconsistency is a “classic case of the ageing homosexual who uses ultra-conservative politics to build a base in the culture that alienated him as a youth”. Yep, sounds about right.
5. Or what about the Labor politician David Campbell who quit for ‘personal reasons’ after being caught frequenting “a venue for men who prefer men and offers a sauna, steam room and lounge”? It wouldn’t necessarily be something to knock a man for if it wasn’t for the fact he had sold himself as a family man (posing in photos with his wife and sons) for the electorate.
So when I watch Fred Nile railing against a ‘gay agenda’ and ‘homosexual propaganda’ I honestly feel sorry for the old cranky pants. I just want to say to you Fred, despite all the horrible things you’ve said about the LGBT community, please don’t feel scared to ‘come out of the closet’. You’re not getting any younger and to be truthful – you’re really fucking old (like, in a gross way) so it’s really now or never for you to reveal your true fabulous self. You’d be surprised how forgiving gays can be, because deep down you’re more like them than you currently care to admit.